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"Truth is more of a stranger than fiction."
"Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to."
"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
"Familiarity breeds contempt--and children."
"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves
and how little we think of the other person."
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining,
but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has
"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success
"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first."
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."
"Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and
how little we think of the other person."
"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way."
"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would
take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place
and kill him."
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man."
"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did
succeed in making those idiots understand their language."
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a
fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
"Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly
good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it."
"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself."
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."
"There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
"Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody."
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who
can't read them."
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know."
"It is easier to stay out than get out."
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he
made school boards."
"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off
their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."
"There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress."
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."
"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper."
"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I
approved of it."
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it."
"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting."
"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform."
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three
unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience,
and the prudence never to practice either."